The Risen Lord Preston

7 March 2010

A husband and his wife were having some disagreements and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next day, the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5 am for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and lose!), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5 am.' The next morning the man woke up, only to discover that it was 7 am and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5 a.m. Wake up.'

A senior citizen drove his brand-new BMW Z3 convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 90 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. 'Amazing!' he thought as he flew down the M6, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear-view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. 'I can get away from him - no problem!' thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 110, then 120, then 130. Suddenly, he thought, 'What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!' So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him. Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.' The man looked very seriously at the policeman and replied, 'Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back.' 'Have a good day, sir,' said the policeman.

21 February 2010

God Will Not Ask Me
God is not going to ask me how much I made.
He will ask me how much I gave.

God will not ask me about the size of my house.
He will ask me did I invite Him in.

God will not ask me about the elegance of the neighbourhood.
He will ask me how I treated my neighbour.

God will not ask me what kind of car I drove.
He will ask me did I give those with no car a ride.

God will not ask me about the beauty of my wife.
He will ask me did I treat her with love.

God will not ask me about the style of my clothes.
He will ask me did I help clothe others.

God will not ask me the size of my bank account.
He will ask me how much is in my heavenly account.

God will not ask me how many children I fathered.
He will ask me if I was a good father to my children.

God will not ask me did I achieve fame.
He will ask me about my reputation.

God will not ask me if I travelled the world.
He will ask me did I improve the world.

God will not ask me about the troubles that I had.
He will ask me if I helped comfort the troubled.

God will not ask me if I did miracles in the name of His Son.
He will ask me if I really knew Him.

14 February 2010

Children

Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "keep away from children."
You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.
Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home.

29 November 2009

Cherokee Legend
Do you know the legend of the Cherokee Indian youth's rite of Passage?

His father takes him into the forest, blindfolds him an leaves him alone. He is required to sit on a stump the whole night and not remove the blindfold until the rays of the morning sun shine through it. He cannot cry out for help to anyone. Once he survives the night, he is a MAN. He cannot tell the other boys of this experience, because each lad must come into manhood on his own.

The boy is naturally terrified. He can hear all kinds of noises. Wild beasts must surely be all around him . Maybe even some human might do him harm. The wind blew the grass and earth, and shook his stump, but he sat stoically, never removing the blindfold. It would be the only way he could become a man! Finally, after a horrific night the sun appeared and he removed his blindfold. It was then that he discovered his father sitting on the stump next to him. He had been at watch the entire night, protecting his son from harm.

We, too, are never alone. Even when we don't know it, God is watching over us, Sitting on the stump beside us. When trouble comes, all we have to do is reach out to Him. The moral of the story: Just because you can't see God, doesn't mean He is not there. "For we walk by faith, not by sight."

11 October 2009

For everyone who has to work with THE PUBLIC

Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?"
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?"
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre."
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours."

Directory Enquiries: There was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland."

Samsung Electronics.
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about."
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".

RAC Motoring Services:
Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia?"
Operator: Doesn't the product give you a clue?

27 September 2009

Men and Women
As a resident physician in radiology, I was speaking with the man whose wife was about to receive a CAT scan of the chest. While the nurse was placing the intravenous line, I asked the husband if his wife had undergone any other tests. The man named several procedures involving various body parts, but he couldn't remember one particular test. Thinking out loud, he said, "What is that thing women have that men don't?" His wife was quick to answer, "A brain, dear."

A husband and wife went to the fairgrounds. The wife wanted to go on the Ferris wheel, but the husband wasn't comfortable with that. So the wife went on the ride by herself. The wheel went round and round and suddenly the wife was thrown out and landed in a heap at her husband's feet. "Are you hurt?" he asked. "Of course I'm hurt!" she replied. "Three times around and you didn't wave once!"

And the answer to the Bible Brain Twister By [John] Kezer
I once made a re[mark] about the hidden books of the Bible. It was a lu[lu, ke]pt people loo [king s]o hard for f[acts], and for others it was a [revelation]. Some were in a [jam, es] pecially since the names of the books are not capitalized, but the t[ruth] finally struck home to [numbers] of readers. To others, it was a real [job]. We want it to be [a mos]t fascinating few moments for you. Y[es, ther]e will be some really easy ones to spot. Others may require [judges] to help them. I will quickly admi[t it us]ually takes a minister to find one of the 17, and there will be loud [lamentations] when it is found. A little lady says s[he brews] a cup of tea so she can concentrate better. See how well you can com [pete. R]elax now, for there really are the names of 17 books of the Bible in these sentences.

20 September 2009

A child's grace
A couple invited some friends to dinner. At the table, the wife turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say grace?" "I don't know what to say," the little girl replied. "Just say what you've heard your Mum say," the mother answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

I know I sometimes get the Notices wrong ... but ... PLEASE NOTICE
You may have noticed the increased amount of notices for you to notice. Some of our notices have not been noticed. This is very noticeable. It has been noticed that the responses to the notices have been noticeably unnoticed. This notice is to remind you to notice the notices and respond to the notices because we do not want the notices to go unnoticed. - The Department of Notification.

Sunday 21 June 2009

The following are some holiday complaints and questions collected by Thomas Cook Holidays:

The beach was too sandy.
We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white.
No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled.
It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the Americans three hours to get home.
I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller.
The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying here?
There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners.
We had to queue outside with no air conditioning.
It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel.
I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite.
My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked.

Sunday 14 June 2009

The Joy of teaching ...
Then Jesus took his disciples up the mountains and gathering them around him, he taught them saying: "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are they that mourn... Be glad and rejoice for your reward is great in heaven."

Then Simon Peter said, "Are we supposed to know this?" Andrew asked: "Do we have to write this down?" James enquired, "Will we have a test on this?" Phillip said: "I don't have any paper." Bartholemew asked: "Will we have to hand this in?" John claimed; "The other disciples didn't have to learn this. And Matthew said, "Can I go to the toilet?"

Then one of the Pharisees asked to see Jesus lesson plans, his Health and Safety Policy and his CRB clearance.

And Jesus wept.

Sunday 22 March 2009 - Mothering Sunday

Job Position - Mother (Mum, Mummy)

JOB DESCRIPTION: Long-term team players needed for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, including evenings, weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.

Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES: The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs £5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.

Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets, and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next.

Must handle assembly and product safety testing of cheap plastic toys and battery-operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.

Responsibilities include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTION: Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION: Get this -- you pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that further education will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left.

The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no paid holidays and no share options are offered, this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.

15 February 2009
A seven-year old boy was at the centre of a Newcastle courtroom drama this week when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy had a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her.

When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to Sunderland Football Club, whom the boy firmly believes are incapable of beating anyone.

11 January 2009: A Hi-Tech Litmus Test

Hold this paper close to your nose and blow hard into the paper.
If the sheet turns green, you need to see a doctor.
If it turns blue, see your dentist.
If it turns red, see your bank manager.
If it turns black, you need to check your will, so see your lawyer immediately.
If, however, it does not change colour, then there is nothing wrong with you, so there is no reason why you should not be in church again next week.

11 January 2009: From the Press

"...the judges decided that the joint winners of the best cook competition were Mrs Smith (an Old English Tart) and Miss Cooper (a surprise hot dish)." Parish Magazine in Devon.

"At St Dunstan's tickets cost ú4.00 including wine & nibbles from the Rector." Kent Messenger.

"The gust of wind took all who were at the ceremony completely be surprise. Hats were blown off and copies of the vicar's speech and other rubbish were scattered around."

"Afterwards, the bishop walked among the crowds eating their picnic lunches." Southwork News

The Darlington & Stockton Times reported: "The bible study group on fasting heard that several religions practised fasting as a means of growing nearer to God. Refreshments were served."

23 November 2008 - Winter Night Classes for Men

Class 1: How to fill up the ice cube trays - step by step, with slide presentation.

Class 2: The toilet paper roll - does it change itself? Round table discussion.

Class 3: Fundamental differences between the laundry basket and the floor - pictures and explanatory graphics.

Class 4: After dinner dishes - can they levitate and fly into the kitchen sink? Examples on video.

Class 5: Loss of identity - losing the remote to your significant other. Help line support and support groups.

Class 6: Health watch - bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health.

Class 7: Real men ask for directions when lost - real life testimonials.

Class 9: Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly while she parallel parks? Driving simulations.

16 November 2008
Everything I need to know about life, I learned from Noah's Ark:

Don't miss the boat.
Remember that we are all in the same boat.
Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.
Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.
Don't listen to critics. Just get on with the job that needs to be done.
Build your future on high ground.
For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
When you're stressed, float a while.
Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.
No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a rainbow waiting.

2 November 2008 - Husbands!
For all of us who are married, were married, wish we were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you open a box of chocolates:

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo Indian woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a white bag on the seat next to Sally. "What in bag?" asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the white bag and said, "It's a box of chocolates. I got it for my husband". The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: "Good trade."

26 October 2008 - E-mail mix-up
After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis. Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor, but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem, and it would do no good to complain.

Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle's was cold. The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned. He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail; but due to his haste, he made an error in the address.

His message arrived at the home of an elderly preacher's wife whose even older husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead. Her family rushed to her room, where they saw this message on the screen:

Dearest Wife, departed yesterday, as you know. Just now got checked in. Some confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow. Your Loving Husband.

PS Things are not as we thought. You're going to be surprised at how hot it is down here.

28 September 2008 - Healthy eating!
After an exhaustive review of research literature, here's the final word.

Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
Germans drink beer and eat lots of fatty sausages and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is what kills you!

31 August 2008 - computers- don't you just love them!
At an important computer conference, Bill Gates reportedly stated, "If the motor industry had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to his comments, the boss of General Motors issued a press release stating: If we had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
Occasionally, executing a manoeuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

24 August 2008 - The Origin of the Internet
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was named Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel far from town to town with thy goods, when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent ?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns, and drums in between, to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums, and the goods can be delivered by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were a wondrous happening. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. He was called a Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominant Siderite, or NERDS for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay" he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham.

And that is how it all began.

17 August 2008 - Noah's Ark
In the year 2006, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark. "Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed Building Regulations Approval. I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system.

My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site even though in my view it is a temporary structure. We had to go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision.

Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many BMEs I'm supposed to hire for my building team.

The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only CSCS accredited workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."

27 July 2008 - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - I think it's very serious. If I remember correctly, this is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing. As I start towards the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the letterbox earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the wastepaper bin under the table, and notice that it is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the gar"bage fir"st. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the postbox, when I take out the rubbish, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my cheque book off the table, and see that there is only one cheque left. My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking. I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the fridge to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the window ledge catches my eye - they need watering.

I put the Coke down on the window ledge, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I put the glasses back down on the window ledge, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the living room where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers, but some spills on the floor. So I put the remote down on the table, get some paper tissues and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day: the tubs aren't watered, the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the window ledge, the flowers don't have enough water, there is still only one cheque in my cheque book, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I have absolutely no idea what I did with the car keys!

Then when I try to work out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and 1'm really tired. I realise this is a serious problem, and 1'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

Don't laugh - if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!

20 July 2008 - Have you ever wondered ...

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection.
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest but ducks when you throw a revolver at him.
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Whose idea was it to put the 'S' in the word Lisp?
Why is it that no matter what colour bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then each down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance.
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

You Know You Are Living in 2008 when...

You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they don't have e-mail addresses
You pull up in your own driveway and use your mobile phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20, 30, 40,50 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
You get up in the morning and go on-line before getting your coffee.
You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :-)
You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13 July 2008 - Read the Instructions

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): Do not turn upside down. (...a bit late!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating. (and you thought..)
On an iron packaging: Do not iron clothes on body (but wouldn't this save me time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication. (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: Warning: May cause drowsiness. (I'm taking this because...???)
On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts. (talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts. (And ...?)
On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.
On a brand of Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only. (as opposed to what?)
On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (That's the only time I have for my hair)
On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap. (and that would be???....)
On some Swanson frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (but it's just a suggestion)
On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use. (now, somebody out there, help me. I'm a bit curious about this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals. (ouch!)

6 July 2008 - School Exams Answers on the Old and New Testament

Moses led the Jews to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
The greatest miracle in the bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed.
When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the magna carta.
Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
Jesus enunciated the golden rule which says to do unto others before they do one to you.
Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony which is another name for marriage.

A child's prayer from Jackie's Class:
Dear God,
I love you. Thank you for all the questions. They are really useful. I've got millions of questions you can answer: Do crusts really make your hair curly? How do pencils write? How do different foods taste nice? Does the moon follow you everywhere?

29 June 2008 - Deep thoughts for those moments when you are tempted to take life too seriously

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap
Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
A day without sunshine is like....... Night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

22 June 2008 - Some one-liners ...

Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited until you try to sit in their pews.
Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisors.
It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.
When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.
People are funny; they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church.
God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he is dead. So why should you?
Some minds are like concrete thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.
Forbidden fruits create many jams.
God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.
The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.

Shipwrecked
There were two men shipwrecked on this island. The minute they got on to the island one of them started screaming and yelling, "We're going to die! We're going to die! There's no food! No water! We're going to Die!"

The second man was propped up against a palm tree and acting so calmly it drove the first man crazy. "Don't you understand? We're going to die!" The second man replied, "You don't understand. I make £10,000 a week."

The first man looked at him quite dumbfounded and asked, "What difference does that make? We're on an island with no food and no water! We're going to DIE!" The second man answered, "You just don't get it. I make £10,000 a week and I tithe ten percent on that £10,000 a week.

My Vicar will find me!"

Marriage
A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren. When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, "Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids...."

15 June 2008 - School Exams Answers on the Old and New Testament

Moses led the Jews to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed
Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
Jesus enunciated the golden rule which says to do unto others before they do one to you
Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony which is another name for marriage

8 June 2008

Little Johnny came downstairs bellowing lustily. His mother asked, "What's the matter now?" "Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with a hammer," said Johnny through his tears. "That's not so serious," soothed his mother. "I know you're upset, but a big boy like you shouldn't cry at something like that. Why didn't you just laugh?" "I did!" sobbed Johnny.
A teacher gave her junior school class a lesson on the magnet and what it does. The next day in a written test, she included this question: "My full name has six letters. The first one is M. I pick up things. What am I?" When the test papers were turned in, the teacher was astonished to find that almost 50 percent of the students answered the question with the word "Mother".
Auto Repairs. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

1 June 2008

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the man to hear 100%. He went back to the doctor for a test a month later. The doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again." To which the man said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

A prayer for all those who work:
Dear God, so far today I've done all right. I haven't gossiped, I haven't lost my temper, I haven't criticised or moaned. I haven't been snappy, grumpy, nasty, selfish or over-indulgent. I'm very thankful for that. But in a few minutes, Lord, I'm going to get out of bed, and from then on I'm going to need a lot of help. Amen.

Are You Driving A Stolen Car?
I was sitting at a stop light this morning. The lady in front of me was going through papers on the seat of her car, and when the light changed to green she did not go.

When the light turned to red, and she had still not moved, I began (with my windows up) screaming and beating on my steering wheel. My expressions of distress were interrupted by a policeman, tapping on my window. Against my protestations of, "You can't arrest me for shouting in my car," he ordered me into the back seat of his. After about two hours in a holding cell, the arresting officer advised me I was free to go. I said, "I knew you couldn't arrest me for what I was yelling in my own car. You haven't heard the last of this."

The officer replied, "I didn't arrest you for shouting in your car. I was directly behind you at the light. I saw you screaming and beating your steering wheel, and I said to myself, 'There is nothing I can do to him for throwing a fit in his own car.' Then I noticed the cross hanging from your rear view mirror, the 'Jesus is Coming Soon' bumper sticker, and the Fish symbol, and I thought you must have stolen the car."

The Parish of